Uncategorized Archives - Advocate To Win

A Jazz Split and Self Confidence

Who knew a jazz split would teach me my greatest lesson about self confidence?

The other day I was walking the dog with my niece when I started cheering. And I don’t mean “Rah Rah!” I mean “Feehan Shamrocks at their best. We’ll put you to the test.” My niece looked as me like I’d lost it. I told her that when I was in high school I really wanted to be a cheerleader. I loved the uniform, the ponytails, and the idea of spending my autumn at football games and rallies. My mom had been a cheerleader, my friends were cheerleaders, and I wanted to be a cheerleader.

I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready. I wasn’t built like a typical cheerleader. These were potential hurdles. But the greatest hurdle was I couldn’t do a split.

Part of the audition was to do a cheer that ended in a split. I couldn’t do it. But it wasn’t for lack of trying. I had two weeks to prepare for try outs, and every day for those two weeks I’d practice the cheer we had to do for auditions. And I practiced for at least two hours, well. I didn’t do it in front of the TV or in my bedroom. Instead I went out to the backyard where I could be completely focused. I practiced the jumps, the claps, and the words. Eventually I knew that cheer cold. I memorized the hand motions, the intonation, the movements and the exact moment when it was time to do the split. But I couldn’t do the split.

When I realized that split would never happen in time, I asked my mom (the cheerleader) what to do. She told me to try a jazz split. That’s a move where you put one leg sort of bent behind you and fake a split. Sounded good to me! I practiced those jazz splits like crazy. When the day came for the audition, I felt ready. I felt confident in myself, my preparation, my voice and my moves. But I didn’t make the team.

As I told my niece this story, she looked at me sadly.

“Did you cry?”

I’m sure I cried. But that’s not what I remember. What I remember was feeling self confidence.I had confidence in myself and my preparation. I had confidence in the work I’d done to be the best I could be. And that’s what I remember.

Since then I’ve known the power of self confidence. I’ve used it to become a trial lawyer, an author, a TV anchor and analyst and a coach. I’ve used it to lose 100 pounds and to learn to do a real split. And I’ve realized the value of earning my self confidence with practice, preparation, and focus. You’re not always going to get everything you try for. But you can always get more confidence from trying.

Self confidence is knowing you’ve done all you can. You’ve given your all with focus, preparation, and the right tools. When you’re truly confident in yourself, the wins and the losses won’t touch you. You take more chances and, yes, earn more wins. You know yourself and you don’t take much personally. Self confident women ask for what they want and get it. They advocate for themselves. And then they do it again and again.

That cheerleading try out taught me to try. And it gave me self confidence. Since that day I’ve gone for what I want, and most of the time I get it. But as long as I’ve done all I can with focus, elegance and preparation, the wins or losses don’t have the same power over me. They just can’t touch me in the same way. Because I have confidence in me–and that has made all the difference.

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Drifting Out to Sea, Saved by an Advocate

“I’m drifting out to sea!”

My niece is 9 (and a half) and when she cried out “I’m drifting out to sea!” she really believed it. Fear is a compelling story, and her Inner Jury was taking that story and, well, drifting with it. It was last weekend, and she was on my paddleboard alone for the first time.

In past summers, I’ve had her sit in front of me while I took her for rides. But she’s getting older, bigger and more confident. And I want that confidence to grow. So I gave her the paddleboard, an oar, some directions and a smile. She hopped on and, within minutes, she was “drifting off to sea!”

She really believed she was. The current had grabbed her, and the fear followed. Fear tells a good story. Her Inner Jury was starting to believe that story and to accept it as the truth.

I had to give her a different story. But that wouldn’t be enough. Facts tell, stories sell, but advocates win. I had to do more than tell her another story. I had to advocate for that story with the tools of an advocate.

So I gave her Evidence. “Look, Brielle. You aren’t heading towards the sea. You’re heading towards the clubhouse.”

Then I asked a Question. “What would happen if you put your paddle in and pushed backwards?”

And I used Presentation. I made sure my tone, body language and energy were calm and confident.

Fortunately, it worked. Her Inner Jury believed my story over the story her fear was telling her. The advocate won.

Advocates always win. Facts tell, stories sell, but advocates win. When there are two competing stories (and there are always two competing stories!) the story that wins is the one that has someone advocating for it.

If you want to win sales, attention, loyalty or engagement, your story isn’t enough. You have to advocate for it. Use words, evidence, questions and perspective. And use credibility, reception, presentation and negotiation. Argue if you must. Advocate with elegance, and you will win.

Not only did my niece not drift off to sea that day, but she built her own credibility. Now she believes that the story of fear isn’t always the story to choose. She believes in her ability to paddle. And she knows how to win.

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The Power of Non Negotiables

Do you know the power of non negotiables? I do. Non negotiables are those things that are not open to modification. I’ve used non negotiables to lose 100 pounds, write an Amazon best seller and maintain a popular podcast for almost two years. I also use non negotiables to schedule my day, ensure my mental health, and support my relationships. Non negotiables might be the secret to all of my successes.

Let’s use weight loss as an example. When I was 18 years old I lost 100 pounds. I had certain non negotiables. I didn’t eat chocolate, potato chips or cheese. These non negotiables made my life so much easier. When any of these three foods were presented to me, the only answer was “No thanks.” I didn’t have to worry about whether to indulge and if so how much. There was no negotiating around those foods, and that left energy for other things.

When I wrote my book The Elegant Warrior-How to Win Life’s Trials Without Losing Yourself, I also had some non negotiables. I wrote for an hour every day. No negotiating with myself. That meant I wrote on Christmas, birthdays and all of those days I didn’t feel like it. I saved the time and energy I’d use to negotiate and used it to work on the book.

But sometimes, your non negotiables change. That happened to me this week. Normally, my morning routine is non negotiable. I get up, brush my teeth, drink coffee, and read something motivational or inspiring. Then I meditate, read emails and exercise. I don’t have to negotiate with myself every morning to do these things. They are just non negotiables.

Until they aren’t. When the pandemic hit, everyone’s lives changed. After a long time in NYC, I’ve come to Cape Cod to stay at my family’s house for the rest of the summer. And I found that I wasn’t meditating. I wasn’t doing my reading. But I was beating myself up about it. I made myself feel bad for not doing what I’d promised. Until I realized that I could make new promises.

I had to renegotiate my non negotiables. I made it a conscious decision, and decided that for the rest of the summer meditation and inspirational reading don’t work for me here. My mornings are filled with chats with my parents and playing with their puppy, Toby. Working out is still a non negotiable. But the others-not so much.

I encourage my coaching clients to create non negotiables in their lives. They often marvel at the power of non negotiables. They save time and make them productive and successful. But I also encourage them to be willing to let some go. Life is changing pretty fast these days. Your non negotiables may need to change as well. Don’t be afraid to let them.

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Help Your Jury Choose the Story that Works for You

What’s a Jury’s Job?

A jury chooses, and your job as an advocate is to help your jury choose the story that works for you. When I was a young trial attorney I realized this truth. And that’s when my law practice changed. Before that, I thought the jury was there to judge me and my client. That made me a little nervous. It’s harder to like a jury when you think they’re ready to judge you.

But when I was still in law school I got to assist my mentor through a trial. And somewhere in that two week trial, I realized that the jury’s job wasn’t to judge. Their job was to choose a story and call it true. The lawyers presented two very different stories. Each story had evidence to support it, words to develop it, and questions to challenge it. And each side advocated for their story. Then the jury had to choose. This was an epiphany. It meant my job, and my clients’ job, wasn’t to be judged by the jury. We just had to help them choose the story that worked for us and made us win.

Now I could serve my jury. They no longer scared me. I was excited to tell them my story, and to advocate for it. If truth is simply the story with the best advocate to support it, I could be the best advocate. I could collect the best evidence. Then I could listen and present with focus. And I could give the jury what they needed to choose the story that worked for me. I could advocate to win.

You Have a Jury Too

You have your jury as well. Your jury might be your clients, your customers or your investors. It could be your family, your friends, your patients or your students. And your jury’s job is to choose you–to hire, to buy from, to invest in and to love. No matter who you jury is, your job is simple. Help your jury choose the story that works for you. That’s what I help my coaching clients do.

After working with me, my coaching clients have given their juries the ability to choose things like more money, better jobs, more support, and more loyalty for them. They’ve helped their juries choose to invest, to refer, and to respect. With words, perspective, evidence, questions, credibility and presentation, my clients have advocated for their stories. And they’ve won.

Your Inner Jury Chooses Your Life

This works on your Inner Jury as well. Your Inner Jury is the part of you that decides and chooses. Scarcity or abundance? Fear or faith? Mistake or discovery? Your Inner Jury isn’t there to judge. She’s there to choose. If you want to make the choices that work for you, your dreams and your goals, give your Inner Jury a story she can believe in. Let her choose the story that works for you. And collect your winnings.

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First Choose What You Want

First, choose what you want. “What do you want?” When I ask my legal clients that question, most of the time I already know the answer. They want to win, especially at the beginning. I represent doctors whose patients have sued them. And when they receive that notice of a lawsuit, they’re scared, angry, and defensive. They want to win. So we start advocating.

Sometimes, what they want changes. Over the course of the case, some clients choose to want to settle. Sometimes they choose peace of mind, freedom from conflict, or to focus on their patients over the win. And then we change what we advocate for. Most of the time they can get what they want. But I can’t help them advocate until they choose.

Now I spend most of my time coaching people on how to advocate for themselves-to ask for what they want, and get it. And we start our work together with this question.

What do you want?

Often, they can’t answer. Many of them, especially the women, have never tuned into what they want. They’ve much more clear on what others want, and what others want from them.

“I want my kids to be happy.”

“I want my boss to be pleased.”

But when we dig deeper, they want more. They want passion, purpose and meaning. They want respect, support, and boundaries. When they know they can choose to want anything, they want a lot. And that’s great because then they can start advocating. You can choose what to want too.

Because you will never get what you want if you don’t know what you want. Once you do, you can advocate for it clearly and confidently. But you won’t be clear and confident with others until you’re clear and confident with yourself. That starts with choosing what you want.

First, choose what you want. Once you choose, then you can start advocating for it. You start using words, perspective, questions and evidence. And you start negotiating and arguing when necessary, using and receiving body language and tone as you do. You can use the tools of an advocate to get what you want. Anyone can.

First, choose what you want. Advocate for it. Get it/choose again. It’s really that simple, and it really starts with a choice. What do you want?

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If You Aren’t Losing, You Aren’t Trying the Tough Stuff

The first time I lost a trial I honestly wasn’t sure I’d recover. I’d tried less than 10 jury trials, and I’d been fortunate enough to win them all. This case was different though. During the 2 year period from when the case was filed to when we went to trial, I knew it was going to be a tough case to win. The medical care was good, and my expert could defend every thing my doctor had done. But the story the patient’s attorney had to tell was compelling, and the damages were extensive. When your plan for trying a case is to put good medicine up against a wonderful, likable, sincere woman who’d suffered significant pain and had horrific scars to prove it, you’ve got to recognize you’re facing a challenge.

But once trial started, I was all in. You have to be all in to try a case well. A jury isn’t likely to believe you should win your case if you don’t believe it. By the time the case went to the jury to deliberate, I was quite sure we should and, more importantly, would win.

“All stand for the jury.” My legs always shake when a jury files in with a verdict slip in the foreperson’s hand. We sat as the foreperson stood to read that verdict. My routine is to keep a jury sheet in front of me, and fill it in as the foreperson speaks. Here–I couldn’t believe what I was writing. I’d never had to put an X in that square before…..We’d lost, and the verdict was high.

Initially, I was appalled and angry. I’d let my client down, and I didn’t know what to say to the doctor who I’d tried so hard to serve. I stood waiting outside the jury room to see if any of the jurors would want to talk to me, to explain their verdict. They didn’t. They filed out, avoiding eye contact as they went back to their lives. I felt like my life would never be the same. Walking home, wheeling my trial bag which seemed heavier with each bump, I started to cry. By the time I reached Rittenhouse Square I was weeping, hoping I wouldn’t see anyone I knew as my shoulders wracked with tears and disappointment. I should have taken a cab.

I wanted to skip work the next day. I didn’t want to go to the office and deal with sympathetic looks or questions from those who hadn’t heard the whispered news. “She lost.” But I had other cases to handle, and clients to serve. I got in even earlier than usual, went to my office and closed the door. That didn’t stop the phone from ringing, though. For other attorneys in other cases, life didn’t stop for my benefit.

A seasoned defense attorney called that morning, and said he’d heard about my loss. “Remember, Heather, if you aren’t losing, you aren’t trying the tough stuff. It’s easy to win the winners.”

Twenty years later, I still can’t say that I’ve grown better at losing. But I do know that lawyer was right, about trials and about life. “If you aren’t losing, you aren’t trying the tough stuff.” I kept trying cases, and more importantly I kept taking chances. Losing is a horrible feeling. But knowing, deep in my heart, that I’m not trying the tough stuff? I can’t live with that.

The origin of the word try is the old French “trier”–“to sift and to know the wrong from the right.” Juries do their best to determine what is wrong and right for us in courtrooms, but we do it for ourselves everyday. We will never know what is wrong or right for us unless we are willing to try the tough stuff, and that means we must be willing to lose.

I just re-discovered the above blog, which I wrote in 2017. Since then, I’ve had lots of losses. I’ve lost opportunities, relationships, and time. I’ve lost hope-more than once. And in the darkest moments I felt like I was losing myself. But I never did and I believe that’s because I just keep trying the tough stuff.

My business has changed since that time as well. In 2017 I began a business to help doctors communicate with their patients, which turned into keynote speaking to sales teams, leaders and women’s groups on communication and self advocacy, which then turned into coaching on how to ask for what you want and get it. Many of those changes felt like losses at the time, but in retrospect it’s clear that they were taking me to where I’m meant to be.

One of the words for lawyer is Counselor. I have my psychology degree, and have always taken that role most seriously. After all of those years counseling and coaching my legal clients to advocate for themselves to juries, my current self advocacy coaching practice is a perfect fit. It’s right for me, and for my coaching clients. Together we’re changing lives as they work to try their hard stuff. But I wouldn’t have found it without the trials. I’ve sifted through a lot in the past 3 years. When I lost what was wrong, I found what was right. And it’s golden.

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Be Where Your Feet Are – One Way to Be More Productive

“Be where your feet are.” I don’t know the origin of this quote, but I heard Bob Goff repeat it in a recent podcast interview. (I love anything Bob does and just bought his latest, Dream Big, here). While I heard this quote long ago, it resonated even more this time. During the pandemic one of the things I’ve struggled with is focus and presence. I’m always wondering what I’m missing (the answer is usually “Not much.”) and what other people are doing (the answer is usually “Not much”.). I let my mind wander, even when my feet stay at my standing desk.

But when I remember to be where my feet are, my work is better. I feel more grounded. And I’m far more productive. And, as this study shows, I’m much more likely to be happy when I’m all in with what I’m doing and not letting my mind or my feet wander.

One thing that helps me is time blocking. I’ve been time blocking since I was in law school. I’d cut index cards in half and lay out my day, hour by hour, every morning. This practice may kept me focused, productive and happy. It has helped me to create time for my feet to be where I need them to be. Time blocking has made me so effective at doing what I had to do in the time I have to do it that I actually have more time for fun. It has served me well. But many of my coaching clients hate it.

They even hate the term-time blocking. Because they find it rigid (and they don’t want to be rigid), they refuse to even consider it. So I had to come up with a new way of looking at it. Two of the tools of an advocate that I share with my clients are words and perspective. If my clients could change the way they see time blocking (perspective) and change what they call it (words), they might be more likely to embrace it. And so I went to work and found something that works for most of them.

Instead of time blocking, they use task loving. When you’re really loving something, you’re giving it all of your attention. Think about the times that you’re most full of love for your partner, your kids, your pet or even yourself. Are you also watching TV, looking at your phone or doing work? I’d bet the answer is no. I bet you’re giving that thing that you love all of your attention at that moment. Your entire focus is on that thing that you love. And that’s how you can address the tasks in your day as well.

First, you want to find a way to love the task. One of the tasks I do weekly is looking at my business’ finances. I don’t love the task. But I do investing the money that my business makes in new employees, new marketing endeavors and new education to make me a better coach. Now that I’ve found a reason to love the task, I set aside time once a week to do so. From 3-4 pm on Friday afternoons, I love accounting. I sit down in front of Quickbooks and I give my money my full attention. Nothing can distract me, and there’s nowhere else I have to be. My business account is getting all of my love.

This works for my client and part of the reason is that it isn’t about excluding the way that time blocking is. Instead, it’s including one thing in your heart and mind at a time. Mother Teresa once said “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.” She was focused on loving rather than blocking out hate. You can focus on what you’re doing rather than blocking out what you aren’t. This tweak allows my clients to focus on being pro the task at hand, loving that task, rather than hating the distraction. And for them, that perspective and those words matter. It helps them to be where their feet are.

So if you get freaked out by time blocking, don’t do it. Try task loving instead. One by one, take each task you have to do in a day or a week, and write down when you’ll love it. Maybe you’ll love working on your business plan for an hour every Monday. Or maybe you’ll love making your house clean and organized for you and your family for 2 hours every Saturday morning. Decide what to love and for how long. And then go all in on your loving. Give your task all you’ve got. You’ll find yourself just as productive as if you had time blocked. When you can be where your feet are, you’ll find those feet will take you much farther.

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Three Things Jury Trials Taught Me About Asking for What I Want

There are three things that jury trials taught me about asking for what I want. And I found that these 3 lessons apply to life outside the courtroom as well. I’ve used them to get what I want, and so have my clients. In fact, my coaching clients have used these three lessons to ask for raises, investment money, support, opportunities and help with the laundry. No matter what you want to ask for, these three lessons can help.

For over twenty years as a trial lawyer I had to end every trial asking the jury for a win. I had to ask the jury to return a verdict in my client’s favor. I asked for a win. And here are the three things all that asking taught me.

1-Use Evidence

Lawyers support their ask with evidence. . Before we ask the jury for a verdict, lawyers go through all of the evidence that supports that verdict. We give the jury all of the evidence they need to make giving us what we want easy. And when you’re asking for money, support, opportunities, or access, you should do the same. Collect your evidence. Organize it into a form that will most resonate with your jury–the people who can give you what you’re asking for. Use your evidence to support your ask and you’ll be far more likely to get what you want.

2-Be Clear

Clarity leads to yeses. At the end of my closing, when I ask the jury to return a verdict in my client’s favor, I show the jury the verdict slip. Then I show the where they’ll be asked various questions and I show them where I want them to check. I’m as clear as possible. Confusion is my enemy in the courtroom and it’s your enemy as well. When you’re asking for something, make it very clear what you want. Be clear on how you want to receive it. The more clear you can be with your ask, the more likely you are to get it.

3-Ask.

So many of my coaching clients are afraid to ask. They don’t want to impose, or put anyone out. Sometimes they think the other person should know what they want and give it to them without having to ask. Other times they think that because they’ve earned what they’re asking for they don’t have to ask for it. They’re wrong. You have to ask. Can you imagine if I stood before the jury, gave my closing argument, and then sat down without asking them to find in favor of my client? It wouldn’t be clear, it wouldn’t be confident and it wouldn’t be convincing. We wouldn’t win as often. When you want something, ask for it.

Try it today. Take these three things jury trials taught me about asking for what I want and use them to ask for anything you want. And let me know all of the things you get.

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“Your Witness” – Two Words that Could Change Everything

“Your Witness”–these are two words that could change everything. They did for me. I used to be even more of a perfectionist than I am now. And perfectionism isn’t great. It’s not cute, not sexy, not fun and it doesn’t even help you succeed. In fact, it is more likely to hold you back from success. Many of my coaching clients let perfectionism hold them back. Their Inner Jury, the part of them that decides what to believe, is so hard to impress that they never write the book, go for the job, send the or ask the question. Fortunately, early in my career as a trial attorney, these two words –“Your Witness” –helped me to overcome my perfectionism.

Preparing

Trial attorneys win and lose their cases by asking questions. I spend hour upon hour preparing the questions I’ll ask my witnesses on direct examination, and even more hours preparing the questions I’ll ask opposing witnesses on cross examination. Cross examination is especially stressful because these witnesses don’t want to play nice. I want to take away their story, and they want to take mine. So I have my questions perfectly planned before I cross examine a witness. My questions are on my legal pad and they’re a perfectionist’s dream. I skip a line between questions. Underline the zingers in red, the set up question in green. Blue is for the questions I have to ask to meet the legal standard for my case. My legal pad is a color coded work of art.

But then, the witnesses starts to testify on direct examination. Suddenly I’m writing new questions, crossing out others. And my margins turn into a mess of scribble. My ducks go from being in a beautiful row to flying, swimming and diving all over the place. And that’s when the Judge says it. “Ms. Hansen, Your Witness.”

It’s Time

It’s time to cross examine the witness. I can’t say “Wait I’m not ready!” Nor can I say “Just 5 more minutes”. Because Your Witness means Your Witness. It’s my witness, to question as I wish. It doesn’t matter that my ducks aren’t in a row and it doesn’t matter that my pad isn’t perfect. It’s time to go. I have to gather my wits, remember my preparation and my innate talents, and do what I’ve trained to do.

So I stand. I take my pad, now full of unreadable gibberish. I begin. And most of the time, it flows. All of that practice allows me to be quick on my feet. The cross exam becomes a lethal dance, one that I win more often than I lose. Of course there are stumbles, and sometimes a fall. But once I’ve begun, the flow usually follows.

“Your Witness” Is Your Moment. Take It.

If you’re like my coaching clients, you often wait for all of your ducks to be in a row. You want your pad to be perfect, color coded and neat. And you spend so much time preparing that you miss the opportunity to win. I get it. I’d probably do the same. But I have no choice. When the Judge says “Your Witness”, I have to go. So now, I say it to myself. I act before I feel ready. And I move even when it’s messy. That’s how I wrote a best seller, got a job as an anchor at the Law and Crime Network, and started my podcast that’s now at over 100 episodes.

You can do the same. “Your Witness” is your opportunity. It’s your time, your chance, your moment. Take it.

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Ask Me No Questions and I’ll Tell You No Lies

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. That was a song by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters that came out in the early 70s. And while it might be true that as long as you don’t ask questions you won’t have to hear any lies, it’s also bad for business, for relationships and for you. Because questions are imperative. Ask me no questions and get no information, no insight, no compassion and no perspective.

Questions are one of the ten tools of an advocate. I win my cases in the courtroom with questions and my coaching clients have won more money, more opportunity, more respect and better relationships with questions as well. This week I wanted to share three of my favorite questions.

1-Tell me what you want me to know.

If you’ve read The Elegant Warrior, you know this question/request. Judge Rosemarie Aquilina used it to give the women involved in the Larry Nasser case back some of their power. This request gives power to the person being asked the question. They get to decide where the conversation goes, what’s important and what they want to share. The answerer has the opportunity to allow you to see the question, and them, differently. Start using this question with your clients, your colleagues, your friends and your family and watch your relationships change.

2-How else can I see this?

Another tool of an advocate is perspective. If you want to be a good advocate you have to see things from your jury’s perspective, your opponents’ perspective, and your judge’s perspective. But your Inner Jury, the decider inside of you that chooses what to believe also chooses what to see. Ask yourself this question and you’ll get in the practice of seeing things differently. And that could change your relationships with your Outer Jury and your Inner Jury. What you see is what you get, so if you choose what you see you can change what you get.

3-And what else?

I read this question in Michael Bungay Stanier’s The Coaching Habit and have never forgotten it. He calls it the AWE question, because it opens up so much for the asker and the answerer. This is a Swiss Army knife question–use it any time and any place you want to get better. Whether you want a better relationship, a better team, or a better outcome, try this one on for size.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Maybe. But I’ll also tell you no truths, no fears, no hopes and no dreams. I think asking questions is worth the risk.

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